There's a strong traditional gene in my system that I've not quite been able to get rid of. I thought I wasn't going to want these kind of things over the last few years. I enjoyed my twenties. Single life in South Korea was pretty cool. Then when I turned 27, a switch flipped and I started to realize that I wanted to settle down, be married, have a family and all. I didn't know it at the time, but things were working out for me to find that person I was going to spend my life with.
After we got engaged we made sure to let everyone know and that included going to the church Jeff had been attending for a few years to share the news there. Personally, I had issues with that particular church, but knew the people there were good. That Sunday we told people, including the pastor who helped lead Jeff to Christ a few years back. The pastor then mentioned that the church was organizing a pre-marriage course for engaged couples to start in a few weeks and would we be interested in it?
Enter issue 1: I never wanted to get married without doing such a class, but I was already living with Jeff and knew the stigma associated with that. I didn't want to go into a small group meeting and get condemned for my choices and feel worthless, so I hesitated. Eventually Jeff and I decided to give it a go on the condition that if the leaders got judge-y about our living together, we were out the door. It was our choice to live together before getting married and I don't judge anyone else for doing or not doing so, I just didn't want to be judged for it myself.
Thankfully, no one judged us and they respected our choice and didn't pressure us to do differently.
So throughout the 8 weeks of this class, we worked through some serious issues and talked about serious stuff that perhaps a lot of people don't discuss before they get married. It's been tough sometimes and I've cried more than once, but it's been really good. Here are a few highlights that I like to think about now that this class is finished:
1. We both have admitted problems that have come down through our upbringing and family history that could affect our own family. Having all the dirty laundry out in the fresh air means we can help each other when we struggle.
2. We were able to put into words what we want to accomplish with our life together: namely that we want to raise a Godly family and provide a safe haven for those we love. This was a pretty big revelation for us to work out since both of us struggle to work out our purpose in life.
3. We have set down specific goals in the next 10 years of our marriage of where we would like to be and how we might accomplish those goals. Namely, starting a family, Jeff transitioning to working from home half of the year to build things and work creatively from home when I go back to work (after school age is reached), paying off our house and buying property somewhere to build our own place. Honestly, it might take longer for us to reach these goals, but they are all really important to us and having them written down will allow us to remember what they are and try to make them real.
4. Last night was the wrap-up of the class where we gathered one last time to share what we've learned through the class with the church pastor and his wife. After sharing and talking more, they wanted to pray for each couple that was there. Jeff and I were first. Before we went to this meeting last night, we had a final discussion about a sore topic that has been brought up through this class, and subsequently by family members. Basically Jeff and I had completely opposing views on this subject and I was adamant that I wasn't going to change my mind. Jeff has been fighting internally all week about it at work. Last night I said I would do what he wanted because I love him and want him to feel safe in our marriage. If doing this one thing would do that for him, I would do it. Only for him. So we went into this meeting with this sore subject still festering a bit.
When everyone gathered around us to pray, the pastor's wife share prophetic images with us that she had gotten this week while praying for us. I will readily admit, I struggle with the more evangelical aspects of Christianity and this church that we attend sometimes is full of it. Speaking in tongues, prophesy and overly-emotional services...the whole shebang. So I wasn't really sure how I felt about prophetic imagery and whether it was going to be applicable. But it was. Mine didn't get me crying, but Jeff's sure did. It spoke of all the things we're dealing with that no one else knows about and all our concerns for our marriage because of the background he's coming from. I cried pretty hard when she was sharing that and for the rest of the night as we prayed over the other couples and wrapped things up, Jeff held onto me tightly. No, it doesn't mean our problems are magically solved and the issue that I've agreed to may still be a sore spot for me for a long time, but it doesn't matter. Jeff loves me and I love him, we've chosen each other and chosen to enter the covenant of marriage together. This class has helped us solidify our love and respect for each other as friends and future-spouses. It's been tough at times and a little ridiculous too, but completing the eight weeks of this class will give us a lasting headstart on our marriage to come.
That marriage starts in 103 days!
Did you and your spouse go through a pre-marriage class? Would you if it had been an option? How did you talk about all the big issues if you didn't do counseling before marriage?
