I'm a woman with a Plan

And yes, it's a plan with a capital P. I've come to a decision and I feel very confident with it. I know for months now, I've been talking and planning (and stressing about) a move to the UK this spring. At first I was going to apply and go in January, then I was going to apply next week to leave in April. But now I've come to a completely new decision. I'm going to move to New Zealand instead!

I had talked with Laura about work there in theatre. She's got some great work opportunities there and I decided to look into it. Well, as it turns out, I can get a working holiday visa for a year, live with Laura and her guys, and work professional theatre with greater ease than making a move to London. I know my plan for so long has been London- and it's still going to be there in a couple years when I want to go to graduate school. However this opportunity shouldn't be missed. In moving to London there's little surity that I'll find theatre work there immediately since I have no contacts there. In New Zealand though, I have a contact and a sewing job waiting for me (medival costume patterns and fabrics are waiting for me--no joke!)

So I'm working on the application process for New Zealand so I can move there instead of London in April. I'm going to do it! I'm thrilled about it actually. I'll be able to do more craftwork and gain experience in theatre again which will make me very happy. Plus I'll be living in a country where the US dollar is worth more and the cost of living isn't nearly as high as the UK.

I have seven weeks left as a math teacher and I'm reaching a point where I'm going crazy. I really know I can't be a junior high teacher- it's rough. They're boneheads for the most part--I can't hate 'em for it because I was one of them. I just didn't really plan on working in that setting ever! Midterms are upon me and in a couple weeks we have the ISAT testing. Man, I thought I had put that all behind me (ISATs I mean). So I've made my Plan and am going to enjoy it when I go. That's pretty much all I got right now. I haven't been out taking pictures lately--though I'm hoping that it warms up so I can get out again. This bitter cold is just not great for me, I'd rather be wrapped up in a blanket and reading a book!

just gotta have a little faith...

I feel like my emotions go on a roller coaster ride alot lately. I like to think of myself as a mild-mannered person who doesn't really get all riled up but that seems to be the opposite case right now. I get worked up about things and then stressed out and then angry and then really upset. It's crazy. I know part of this is because I feel "stuck" right now. I'm still at my parent's house in IL when I thought I'd be gone by now. I am working full-time right now, which helps make time pass by very quickly, but apart from that I feel abandoned and without a compass to guide me at the moment.

I feel like I am inadequate. I feel like who I am wasn't enough or that I'll never be enough for someone. I know this is just my pessimistic worldview screaming at me, and I know I need to curb it, but it's just how I feel right now. It's winter and I'm in a place where I don't want to be and I just keep hearing news that just manages to stab my heart when I thought it couldn't be stabbed anymore. Guess it'll never reach the point where it's callosed enough that it can't be hurt. It's just a little reminder that I am still human. Yesterday though I moved quickly past stabbed to angry- which I took out on the punching bag at the gym last night. I'm really sore today because of that! lol.

I don't want to be the sad, lonely girl. I want to be happy and full of life again. It's just a sad winter for me I suppose.I'm working full-time now, as I mentioned, as a middle school math teacher in my old school district. It's tougher than I thought and I think it helped me realize how much I don't want to be a regular teacher here in the US. I mean, really not wanting to do that! The massive amount of busywork I have to do in order to keep on top of the classes is just ridiculous. Today I made a quiz, graded homework, made copies for the five math classes, prepped notes for tomorrow, working on next week's lesson plans and entering grades into the online gradebook as well as the paper version. Crazy busy. I don't think it's going to slow down either. I just keep on top of it and shoulder on I guess- but I'll get some good pay from this and will be more ready for London when it's over with in April.

So I'm going to try to focus on the good things I have planned and try not to dwell on the heartache that seems to follow me. Laila told me today that I am worth more than anyone knows and if I stay positive then I'll get my dreams. Maybe I just have to change my dreams some, but I do trust her words. I can't wait to get my UK visa and move to London. I can't wait to see my girls this summer in Europe and I just gotta have a little faith in myself...

a time away from home

The new year has come and while it may have started on a downer, it's getting better. I've been in the Chicago-area for the last week. Hanging out with friends from college, Jon and Lindsey, and their two boys, Ben and Alex, has been so relaxing and enjoyable. I'm really loathe to leave them tomorrow! (though I'm sure their dog Payden will be happy to see me go so he isn't locked up all day!) The boys are so cute and happy...two of the happiest babies I've ever met.

Yesterday was a really good day as well. I went into Chicago to meet up with Carolyn. I haven't seen her since she left Korea in August, and it was soooo nice to see her again! We had made plans to meet downtown and she jumped me on the street after I got off my bus. So I'm guessing that we made some interesting lunchtime story fodder with our freakout on the street. We ended up spending four hours in a coffee shop chatting. Ridiculous. Anyway, it was wonderful seeing her again and I can't wait to see her soon!

I also searched for a Korean restaurant to bring home dinner for my lovely hosts...found one downtown even! I can't even begin to describe how comforting it is to sit in a Korean restaurant and hear Korean and smell Korean food...apparently Korean has become my comfort food. Who knew? Anyway, the food was great, Lindsey even tried kimchi! The only downside was that the spicy pork dish I wanted wasn't so spicy; it was sweet instead! I had specifically asked for spicy! Oh well! It was still good.

So the boys are awake now and its time to play with them again...enjoy the pictures and then check out the rest, as usual, on my picasa page.

Sunset

I'm back in Illinois now and detoxing after the holiday with my family and spending a total of 20 hours in a car, sharing a hotel room for three nights with my parents, and steadily going insane. On the plus side I got to see my niece for the first time since I saw her when she was born. She's more adorable and has picked up my favorite hobby--reading! Ha ha. It was good to see her and the rest of my siblings though. So I'm back in Illinois and back to my slow-moving life. It's ok. The weather is still nice even after the massive rain we got yesterday and with clear skies I decided to get out during that magical time during sunset (hey, I didn't say it was the magical photo time, my photography book said so) to capture some of the nature of Illinois. So enjoy what I've got here and then check out the rest on picasa.

Christmas cookies and an early Christmas for myself...

It's two days 'til Christmas. Whatever. It's a forced social holiday where you are supposed to be with people you love (whom you spend the rest of the year fighting with) and eat way too much food and spend money on gifts for the above-mentioned people in order to placate them until you can leave. That's one way to look at Christmas.

I like to listen to the music of the season. Forget all the hustle and bustle, the push to find the best present for your cousin's aunt's sister's dog, the massive amount of greed and avarice present in the holidays--forget all of it. All I like about Christmas is the songs, the classic cartoons, and well, that's pretty much it. I do like spending the holidays with people I care about and who care about me. While I do care about my family, we tend to fight too much...so when I think about my favorite Christmas, I think about my first Christmas in Korea. That's my favorite Christmas...spent with new friends who have become best friends, filled with happiness and no arguing, good food, watching Elf, and just enjoying each others' company...that Christmas is my ideal for the holidays now.

So an early Christmas for myself...there's really no one better at getting gifts for me than myself. :-) I always know exactly what I'll like and I have yet to disappoint myself. haha. So I bought a tripod for myself this year and a new camera lens. I feel ready to take on photography with a vengance...too bad the weather is still horrible. They're predicting this winter to be one of the worst in a long time for the Midwest. Yuck. While I bought the tripod, I was a little saddened that it didn't come with a carrying case. Having a case is important to protect the tripod, so I decided to make one for it. I spent a day sewing a plastic case by hand with fishing wire (ridiculous) and then made a fabric cover for it and assembled my tripod case. It's very me-ish with flowers and braided strap. There's no doubt that it belongs to me. haha. I'm glad that I've managed to give myself a great Christmas this year. However, I am headed to my sister's house in Georgia tomorrow morning for a few days with the whole fam for Christmas...

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas...

Really, it is. The weather the last day or so has been basically horrible. Freezing cold, sleet, snow, slick streets, sliding around everywhere, and an early dismissal from school today. Yeah, feels like winter! But on the upside, I'm constantly playing Christmas music, wrapping presents (ok, I make my little sister do it), and baking Christmas goodies. I even had a candy cane today (it was blueberry). The high school secretary had candy canes for everyone today and so everyone in the high school had blue mouths all day. Haha.

I am now the proud owner of a new camera lens and this past weekend in St Louis I splurged and bought myself a tripod finally. It was expensive, but after testing out the less expensive options, I realized I should take the advice of the book I'm reading currently on photography ---be willing to spend money! So I did. I don't regret it either. I like my tripod which stretches to 72 inches and can also be taken apart to be a monopod (in case I ever decided to go into sports photography---did you know tripods are basically banned from all sporting events?) I was hoping for a clear shot this afternoon to go outside and capture all the winter wonderfullness, but it was still sleeting when I got home and I was worried about ruining my camera...I'll have to wait for another day.

John and Ben got home tonight...man, they've changed so much since I last saw them. It makes me feel old to see them growing up. Oh yeah, and we're all so loud when we're all together. It's ridiculous. Anyway, here are a few pictures of christmas-type stuff and the girls when I was in St Louis...snow shots and cooking baking silliness to follow later. As always, check out the rest on picasa. BTW-I'll be heading to Georgia in a week, so that means I'll be spending Christmas in a place where my scarves and hats are completely useless! YAH! hahahaha.

Some pictures from home

There's not alot of news on this end of the world. After all, I am unemployed and homeless (ok, I am stretching it on both of these...:-). But I did finally edit pictures from the last couple weeks here and wanted to share my favorite ones with you. Oh yeah, I do have an update though...one of the lens on my glasses is scratched really badly. I'm a little upset about it because it's really bothering me since I have to wear them all the time and they're my favorite glasses. I'm hoping to get the scratches patched up without having to do anything really expensive. That's my sad story of the day. In good news, I have gone to the gym two days in a row and am getting a yoga video so I can continue to do yoga at home. Yah for motivation! I also get my new camera lens tomorrow in the mail...can't wait to try it out! So for thanksgiving this year it was warm. I'm not sure how it was the last couple of years in the US, but since it was warm my family decided to go play tennis after our thanksgiving dinner. Since I'm not a big tennis person, I decided to capture it on camera instead. So enjoy. All the rest are on picasa.