Little reflections

It's April 30th right now (though this post will say it's May 1st when I put it up because my settings are for New Zealand, not South Korea) and I want to explore a few things that have changed about me recently. I don't know how important these are, but acknowledging them hardens the certainty that they are here to stay.

I practice yoga a few days a week. At home, alone mostly. I am not a very disciplined woman and find it easier to waste time watching crap on TV instead of doing yoga. Now it's different. With yoga, I can do a shoulder stand. My feet are straight up in the air and I'm very nearly close to a perfectly straight back on this. I never thought I could do this.

I also am at 75 sit ups a night (well, tonight in any case). I feel this is the first time in my life I have actually stuck with exercise on a near daily basis. Again, this is huge for me.

Among my favorite foods now are mushrooms, eggplant, red peppers, and carrots. Four foods most of my family refuses to eat and I continuously surprise myself with my desire to eat them. When at school I don't gag on the weird plant life ridden soups we are served. In fact I try to get more veg in my soup than broth so I fill up more.

I do not miss regular pasta anymore. I barely miss bread now. Rice pasta is now my go-to for spaghetti nights. I also discovered that bacon and milk are critical to making a mean bolognase sauce.

I am more creative than I thought. My hands do still remember how to hand stitch and making something new is unbelievably rewarding. One of the girls last night had me sign the craft she got from me. Most of them told me I should be selling my stuff. That made me feel good about my hobbies I spend more money on than I should and create shopping carts full of supplies on etsy and amazon only to delete it when I see the shipping costs for it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about traditions I want to continue doing in my life. Seder, 12 days of Easter, Advent, family holidays, crafts with kids, recipes from my childhood. I feel that I've been disconnected from my past for a long time because I wasn't sure how I wanted it to fit in with my life I created after moving abroad. I know now that when I do start a family, there are traditions from my parents I want to continue doing. There's a heritage I want to pass on. There are new traditions I want to start with my own kids someday with living in New Zealand and having opposite seasons. I look back at my favorite traditions as a child and they all center around the church and my faith. It's hard to keep it going here in SK since I don't have a true church family, but I still find that my faith is still there. My decisions still are influenced by my past and my hopes for the future.

I don't know when I'll be back in the USA. Truly I have no idea. I had planned on going home for a few months next year before moving to New Zealand, but things changed and I don't have that chance now. In looking ahead, I don't know when I could go home. I have to get a job asap in Nelson so I can apply for my residency. I will have to be a real adult again with all the financial responsibility that entails (rent, car, insurance).

Today I realized I don't know when I'll get to visit Stephen's grave next. I was gone before the headstone was installed and I know when I do finally go home to visit, that will be a very emotional time for me. I will never forget my little brother. Every day I see his picture at home and at work, I see the tattoo on my arm in his memory, I try to recall stories from growing up with him. I don't ever want to forget my brother's memory. It's an integral part of who I am and has profoundly changed my life since he passed away. I've stopped wasting my time and eagerly take the steps I've wanted to for my life. I'm tired of living in transit I'm ready for some roots instead of wings.

So I'm taking a flying leap with my life, taking control of things I've ignored for years. Avoiding things I shouldn't be doing or eating (mostly things I shouldn't be eating), and instilling new habits into my life that are beneficial. I have only one life and one body given to me...I want to make the best of it. And with that, I'm going to go do 75 sit ups and then read before going to bed.

ps- Upon re-reading this I feel it sounds a bit disjointed. But like the knot at the top of this post, everything is interconnected and eventually I get right back to where I started. That's my heart, btw. It all begins and ends there.