just gotta have a little faith...

I feel like my emotions go on a roller coaster ride alot lately. I like to think of myself as a mild-mannered person who doesn't really get all riled up but that seems to be the opposite case right now. I get worked up about things and then stressed out and then angry and then really upset. It's crazy. I know part of this is because I feel "stuck" right now. I'm still at my parent's house in IL when I thought I'd be gone by now. I am working full-time right now, which helps make time pass by very quickly, but apart from that I feel abandoned and without a compass to guide me at the moment.

I feel like I am inadequate. I feel like who I am wasn't enough or that I'll never be enough for someone. I know this is just my pessimistic worldview screaming at me, and I know I need to curb it, but it's just how I feel right now. It's winter and I'm in a place where I don't want to be and I just keep hearing news that just manages to stab my heart when I thought it couldn't be stabbed anymore. Guess it'll never reach the point where it's callosed enough that it can't be hurt. It's just a little reminder that I am still human. Yesterday though I moved quickly past stabbed to angry- which I took out on the punching bag at the gym last night. I'm really sore today because of that! lol.

I don't want to be the sad, lonely girl. I want to be happy and full of life again. It's just a sad winter for me I suppose.I'm working full-time now, as I mentioned, as a middle school math teacher in my old school district. It's tougher than I thought and I think it helped me realize how much I don't want to be a regular teacher here in the US. I mean, really not wanting to do that! The massive amount of busywork I have to do in order to keep on top of the classes is just ridiculous. Today I made a quiz, graded homework, made copies for the five math classes, prepped notes for tomorrow, working on next week's lesson plans and entering grades into the online gradebook as well as the paper version. Crazy busy. I don't think it's going to slow down either. I just keep on top of it and shoulder on I guess- but I'll get some good pay from this and will be more ready for London when it's over with in April.

So I'm going to try to focus on the good things I have planned and try not to dwell on the heartache that seems to follow me. Laila told me today that I am worth more than anyone knows and if I stay positive then I'll get my dreams. Maybe I just have to change my dreams some, but I do trust her words. I can't wait to get my UK visa and move to London. I can't wait to see my girls this summer in Europe and I just gotta have a little faith in myself...