Learning to say 'yes'

I feel the need to lay a few things out that have been on my mind lately. As I draw closer to moving back to New Zealand I have been starting to get more questions as to my motives and intentions and whether I've thought this through all the way. I feel that I need to explain myself and what has changed about me.

It's been almost one year since my little brother Stephen passed away. It's been a tumultuous year since then as well. I know that before he died I wasn't sure when I was going to start my goals or really even what I wanted out of my life. I was a 27 year old flake without a solid lead. In the aftermath, I realized that life is just too damn short to keep putting things off. Tutti posted a creative writing assignment on facebook a few months afterward and I was struck by her description of me. I was like a tree with no direction, full of promise but no follow-thru(basically). I realized I didn't want to be a tree of wasted potential, but I really wanted something out of my life. So I thought about things, prayed about them and came to realize what it was I wanted. Since that point, I've started taking charge and not delaying getting what I want anymore.

This is why I'm moving back to NZ earlier than planned. I know what I want. I want to be there and I can financially do it without danger. I want to spend more time with the people I care about and settle down to start a new chapter in my life. I'm tired of being transient and not having a plan or a permanent address. I want to say "Yes" to life and not regret something out of fear or holding back.

I want to be the hero of my own story and I don't want to wait for the next chapter to start. In just over one month I will be turning 28 and I don't want to look around anymore and think I'm wasting my time in a place or job that I don't passionately love. Don't get me wrong, I do love South Korea but I have known for three years now that this was never supposed to be the permanent part of my life. I just figured that until I knew that place, this wasn't so bad. Well...New Zealand is that place and what's the point in waiting?

Is it going to be difficult? Sure, it will be. I have to get a job, buy a car, rent a house and apply for residency.

Is it going to be worth it? Absolutely 100%. I have thought about it, prayed about it and feel calm in my heart about moving back 8 months ahead of schedule. There are people who love and support me with this. I know it's the right move.

So I'm saying "Yes" to this and other things as well. It's about time I start the life I want instead of living the life I have because it's comfortable and easy. I'm almost 28 years old and all I have to my name is a dog, my sewing machine and my dreams. It's time to make those dreams a reality and keep growing up.

I want to live in honor of my brother, who lived with no fear or regret. Who never compromised and loved fiercely. I want to be like him, except maybe not quite so much swearing! ;)