reflective

I just finished watching Remember Me and I have to say I was not prepared for it at all. It just kind of hit me at the end, completely unexpected. I won't say more, but I will say you need to watch this film.

Watching the relationship develop between the two main characters stood as a stark reminder of my alone-ness. Now honestly, I'm usually ok with being on my own. It doesn't bother me most days, but after watching this film and with the mood I've been in the last couple of days, I wonder if I will ever affect someone the way these two did each other in the film. I know it's a movie and thus not real, but give me a break for a minute. I know people love me, my friends and family mean the world to me. But I wonder if there's someone who really gets me and who if, God forbid, the worst happened to me and I was gone, would that loss make a huge dent in their life. Like life-changing dent. Just a thought at the moment.

We did Tai's checkup tonight. He still has a lot of crystals in his urine (weird, I know) so they upped the amount of oral medication he gets. He has put on weight and is now 2 Kilos (2.2 pounds to a kilogram). The doc asked me if I had thought about the surgery. I told her honestly. I had thought about it, but I honestly can't afford it. Medicine is the only option right now. We go back in next Monday. I told her that I understood that medicine isn't going to save him, but for the time being he is fine with it. If things do get worse, I'll put him down. I've accepted it as best I can. Until that time comes, we're going to have a good time and he's going to be the happiest puppy possible.

I've been struggling with how I'm supposed to act. Of what's expected of me. I feel like a lot of the time, I let people down and I disappoint them in expectations of me. Part of this is my physical appearance. I don't dress or look my age at all. I look like I'm just out of college still. Not helped by my employment record for the last few years where I haven't had to dress professionally and have grown accustomed to jeans and a T-shirt. I suppose another part is the investment in professional clothing. I don't own a pair of dress slacks, pantyhose, or a button down shirt. In my defense, I did own these items at one point, but have gotten rid of them over time. Now living in South Korea where I don't fit the clothes, I find it much harder to even try to alter what I wear. More than the physical appearance though is my opinion that I've wasted time that I shouldn't have and now, at nearly 27, I have nothing to show for it. A few extra stamps in my passport, some ridiculous stories, and friends scattered across the globe. That's what I have to show for myself. That's it. I do feel like I'm on the right path finally. I've started the process of applying to graduate school (with the hopes that I can continue working full-time in Korea to pay for it) and have a plan now. Which is better than the vague notions I've had for the last four years. It also hits hard when I see so many others my age or younger (ok, mostly younger) who are married, have children, settled in, and seemingly content with their lives. I see this and I wonder what turn I took to take me away from all that. I am still fairly certain I don't want to have children myself, and upon further conversations with my co-teachers at my school, I KNOW I could not possibly marry a Korean man. Because I could never be the Korean housewife and daughter-in-law that is expected. There's just no way. Thanks Mom and Dad! ;-) But I do wonder what in the world it is that I'm supposed to be doing with myself and why so many of my decisions came back to bite me in the ass. Alright, enough self-absorbed ramblings. I'm going to play with Tai as he's decided that's what time it is and then I'll go back to school tomorrow and enjoy my time with my kiddos. Because they are adorable and the energy of my day (most days).