Christmas!!!!

It's almost that time...with less than a week to Thanksgiving, I'm super-stoked about Christmas. I bought decorations today at Namdaemun for my house/tree/school and am about to set it all up at home. Christmas tunes are getting ready to play, let the Christmas season begin!

--pictures soon to follow--

halloween

I think I feel this way every year, but the gap in time manages to erase it from my mind. I really don't like Halloween. It may partially be because I didn't grow up celebrating it and have never been trick-or-treating in my life. I have been to fall festivals too numerous to count. I have also only been to 2 haunted houses- one in high school and one in college. The one I went to in high school was a fluke when I was friends with a girl for about 6 months. I never figured out why we were friends, and we're not today, so I guess it doesn't really matter why we were. Anyway, I celebrated this year and spent most of Sunday recovering and regretting it. Mostly because people who were out were stupid. I thought my own costume was pretty clever for being a last minute thing (ragdoll) that I sewed on Saturday afternoon before going out Saturday night, but can't understand the tradition of women dressing like slut variations of every costume known to mankind. I just don't get it. Anyway, here's me and my dear Mina out on the town, before the craziness and before the taxi ride home without my coat (it was in a locker and I didn't have the key). Please remind me next year that I don't want to celebrate this holiday. Instead I should just sit at home with a snickers bar and watch It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Yes, I should do that. Oh, but my favorite costumes I saw I wasn't able to get pictures of, but it was a group of friends dressed up as Care Bears...how freaking cute was that? So cute. Sweatsuits in the color with some sort of light-up belly decoration that was the emblem of each bear. I regret not getting those pictures. Oh well!

new beginnings

I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Yesterday was the first day of my masters degree program. I'm not entirely sure I can balance work and school well right now, but I'm determined to make it work. I'm getting an MA in Early Childhood Education. I'm excited about the end result and being able to move back to NZ and work in a school there (plus I miss NZ terribly). I'm doing an online program so I can continue working and living in South Korea to save money for moving again (I feel that is mostly what I do...work so I can save to move to the next place...). So I have to buy a daily planner because I can't budget my time well right now to do without it. This weekend is going to be a push to get on top of my schooling. Day two and I'm already behind in my reading. Curse my crazy schedule this week with drama competition and extra rehearsals.

I've also started yoga again. With all the added stress of the next two months (until Christmas) I realized that I can't discipline myself to do yoga alone but neither can I make time to get to a studio for classes...so I've hired my yogi friend Amillia to teach me at home! It works well since she's gone independent recently and has a much more flexible schedule and I get a personal yoga routine that works with what I can and cannot do. She's wonderful and even after just 4 classes, I can already tell a difference. My feet are nearly flat again in downward dog pose as opposed to bent knees and balls of my feet that I've been doing for over a year now. So twice a week I get to spend an hour with her stretching and making faces as my dog attempts to join us in class. He doesn't really understand that he can't do yoga with us. It's funny though.

I'm also starting a weekly menu planner so I eat better to balance my yoga and avoid stress eating. Tonight I had a tuna melt, tangerines, and walnuts for dinner. Yummy. Tomorrow is a salad since I can finally get to the grocery store after work. I really don't have time to cook real meals during the week now (and especially since I'm taking on an extra class twice a week starting in November) so I've decided that I can do a big meal on Sunday and then get a couple days of leftovers out of it to help me get through the week. This Sunday I'm doing Fish Pie. I'm salivating just thinking about it. It's cold here now and I am dying for a good casserole. Next Sunday is Pumpkin soup. Already looking forward to making my apartment smell of roasted pumpkin.

On a lovely note- I heard the music class at school today playing Jingle Bells on their recorders. Yes, it's almost that time again. :-)

Pray for me as I take on all these endeavors simultaneously. I hope I can make it to Christmas where I'll be given Christmas Eve off and then I'll also be finished with all my extra work. Then three weeks after that I'll be headed to Nelson, New Zealand for three GLORIOUS weeks. I love it and am already dreaming about it. No really, I had a dream about it two nights ago.

ps- I'm getting a tattoo on Saturday. I thought I was done with them, but apparently am not. :-)

relaxation

Just sitting around my apartment today relaxing. I need that sometimes. Today I needed it. I also needed that skype call with Laura and Elijah today too. That put me in a better state of mind.

I had a couple really awful nightmares last night. The kind that you wake up screaming from. I'm doing better now, but I guess my mind just needed to get some stuff out. Dreams were the vehicle of choice apparently. The sun is shining here, the weather is cool and I'm looking forward to spaghetti tonight.

I'm also looking forward to going back to school on Monday. I miss teaching and I miss my students. I am grateful that I have found something that makes me happy and doesn't allow me to get lost like professional theatre did. I need to stay found in life, and not lose myself. If that makes any sense.

Going to enjoy the rest of my quiet day at home and hopefully have a great weekend as well before returning to work on Monday.

unknown

To wake up each day is to face the unknown.
What will happen today? Will I find something new?
To leave my house each day is to face the unknown.
Will stepping on my bus be the last thing I do?
To enter my work is to face the unknown.
Will I make a difference in someone's life today?


I struggle each day since Stephen's death to find meaning in my life. To find meaning in this chaos. I don't know if I ever will get any answers and I am nearly certain I never will. I sit in my apartment on a Sunday night and contemplate what my life is (this is a fairly regular Sunday night ritual). This much I know:

I have a family who loves me (even if we're not speaking to one another, the love IS there).
I have people who love me just as much as my family does.
I have a puppy who loves me even when I lock him in the bathroom for being naughty (it's only for two minutes).
I have a stable job with security.
I know what I want to do in three years and have a plan to get there.
I have some faith that I'm here for a reason, but no knowledge of why.

These are the things I have. Yet all too suddenly they can be taken away. What would be left?

A memory of a woman with possibilities not taken...chances unknown...choices rejected. How long would I linger in the thoughts and hearts of those I know? Would it really make a difference to know that answer?

Seeing all the people who came together after my brother's death has made me realize that we touch more lives in ways we never will know. So what touch have I made? What difference did I make, by action or inaction?

I want my life to have meaning. I feel that most days I don't have any real purpose. That I'm hiding out in South Korea and getting by on the skin of my teeth. I have no one beholden to me and I am beholden to no one. It's lonely most days. I think about the fact that my dog has a serious heart condition that may mean he may not live one or two years (then again, he may surprise us all). What will happen once he's gone and I'm alone again? I have promised myself I won't rescue another dog in Korea (I mean, come on, look at my track record here...) but then I'll have to face it again, that I am well and truly alone in this life here.

Tonight Sarah asked me, while eating the remains of my peach cobbler, why I wasn't married already with my awesome cooking skills. I have to face that fact every day that I come home to an empty apartment with no one who wants to know how my day went. My brother Jo is engaged now. I'm really happy for him and Holly both. I pray they have a happy and long marriage and life together. But hearing the news made me feel much older than my 27 years. With death and marriage happening so soon together in my family, I sense some urgency to live. I have a sudden longing I didn't know was there. I want a witness to my life and I want to be witness to someone's life as well.

Life ends all to often before it really begins. The ache will never go away, the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to puke happens every time I see my brother's picture or hear a song that reminds me of him. I hate what has happened to me and my family. I hate the rift that has occurred and fear the damage that has been inflicted that may never heal if fate strikes again. "It's not fair" my students tell me. Yes, you're right, it's just not fair.

West Coast Swing

I am hoping that those who aren't on Facebook can see this video. I can't apparently upload to youtube here in Korea now because of some weird rule. Kinda sucks.

Birthday

And once again, Tai has walked off with my slipper the moment I took it off to sit down and write this post. Ridiculous.Yesterday was my birthday. It was a lovely day. I feel blessed by all the messages I got and by the people who came out for dinner (and even those who couldn't make it and called to apologize). So I'm another year older and another year closer to 30. Where in the world did my 20s go? It's strange to think I'm 27 now. I know that a lot of my posts lately have been negative, but I've needed to use this to get this part out. I feel refreshed and ready to tackle this year now and determined to make it a fabulous one. I know that this isn't where I thought I'd be at this point (heck, I thought I'd be married by this point in my life) but I know that it's the right place for me right now. I have a great job, I have a plan for the next year, I have a wonderful puppy who makes my day much better (btw- good update at the doctor tonight! He's growing and his shunt is better with the medicine), and I have a wonderful support system of family and friends who remind me that I am worth it and I am loved. Why in the world would I be unhappy?
It's a rhetorical question because I don't have an answer for it. I want to be honest with myself and doing so I have had to face parts of myself that I've been unhappy about and have ignored for too long. So I'm dealing with those parts of me and moving on to a better place.

As an afterthought, I think I'm getting crows feet...or laugh lines...